My Heart Within
by FloriaCharms
Summary: [Akari's POV] Akari was traumatised by the loss of an important person, and having lost her way, she fell. Will she be able to take it? And will anyone help her? -bit of spoilers for vol. 15- (mild AkariHikaru) Please R&R! [COMPLETED in exactly a year]
1. My life: Part 1

Disclaimer: some characters from this story are from HNG and used without permission, while others are created by me. The plot belongs to me too

==========

This is my first time trying a fanfic outside romance, so hope it doesn't sounds too bad, and hopefully Akari is not too OOC. And this story is from Akari's point of view, and it's a mild one-sided love story too. So, enjoy...

==========

**My Heart Within**

I. My Life (Part 1)

----

Is my life about happiness? Or is it just emptiness?

I couldn't tell a bit at all...for I'm numb from the cold deep inside......

----

I got up early again. Six-thirty-eight. Perhaps too early...Guess I'll just start for school in advance and take a stroll round the park. I tidied my bed, dressed up and stayed a little longer in front of the mirror just to take a closer look at myself.

Staring at the mirror doesn't seem to help much, in fact, it kind of worsen. What I saw in the mirror is just a typical fifteen-year-old girl, currently studying in Haze Junior High. There's nothing that makes her stand out from other girls. But even so, why does this girl always feels that she have more problems than others? More troubling thoughts than others... Maybe she wondered too much—considering others' feelings too much...

I pulled away from the mirror. That's my bad habit; by just staring at my own reflection, I can dwell deep into thoughts that would never bring me anywhere.

Tying my hair, I turned back to the mirror, and tried a smile. That's my life; my goal—a bringer of smiles; happiness. I've always hope that bringing happiness to others is an important thing. Although it might seem impossible, but I think that by starting with me, I will reach my hands out to the others, then slowly, the whole world would be in happiness...There will be no conflicts. With peace around, no one will be sad anymore...not anymore......

I grabbed my bag and proceeded downstairs for breakfast.

"Morning, mum!" I poked my head into the kitchen, inhaling the fragrance in the air.

"You're early again," Mum smiled as she was talking. I like her smile, it always bring warmth that lingers in me for a long time. Maybe I'm aspired to bring happiness by her smile. She always makes me think that my life is important. Sometimes, I really think that I have goals because she guided me to them.

"I'm always early." I smiled brightly at her too. "And where's dad?"

"He's in the study, give me a hand and bring this up to him." Finishing her sentence, mum passed me a plate of tasty-looking scrambled eggs.

"Right away!"

Being early is something that makes my morning more eventful. I get to see dad before he goes out for work, and it's the only time when I get the chance to help mum. Both of them are always working till late night, and I am always the only one at home after school. Furthermore, they don't have their dinner at home, so I'm left to eat alone.

I knocked at the door before entering the study.

"Morning dad, breakfast's here," I walked across the room and placed the food on his table.

"Morning Akari. Up early again eh?" He didn't look up as he talked. Dad's always like this—very engrossed in his work.

"Yes, are you going out soon?"

He nodded, "after I finished my breakfast and completed my work. You better hurry downstairs, don't let your mum wait for ya and eat your food before it gets cold."

"Oh. You should too. Have your meal early." I smiled at him, but he wasn't looking this way...

==

I'm probably too hungry; my plate was cleared in a flash.

"You're going to go out early again?" Mum asked gently.

"Huh? Er, I think so." I answered in doubt.

"Since it's so early, help me bring this to Mrs. Shindou." While passing me the package, mum added, "you can go to your park, but make it after you've done this job, okay?"

Huh? How did she know that I've been visiting the park? Did she saw me there? ...Or is it because she understand me too well?

I was startled for a second or two, but quickly regained myself. "Sure mum, so I'll get going now."

"Take care, Akari."

"Uhm, goodbye mum, take care too."

I guessed mum sure has a great understanding of me. But didn't she know my unwillingness to go near the Shindou's place... Perhaps I'm just scared, but of what? I don't know. Or is it you, Hikaru, are you someone that I do not wish to see, someone whom I wishes to escape from? But why? Was it the cause of embarrassment for missing the times we had together while we were younger? Or is it because we can no longer be like what we used to be? Or maybe because my feelings for you have changed throughout the years, but...you have only eyes for other things... All these, I've no idea what's the reason. I'm only waiting, waiting for the day to come, the day when I will know all the reasons behind...

Feeling the fresh cool air brushed against my face, I stepped out into the open......

==========

That's it! So please review! Please tell me whether you think I should continue or not. Hope to receive many reviews thanks. Oh yeah, I won't be updating the next chapter for as long as another month (or longer) but I will start working on it once I have the time. And if you know what's the name of Mrs Shindou, please tell me. Thanks!


	2. My life: Part 2

Disclaimer: some characters from this story are from HNG and used without permission, while others are created by me. The plot belongs to me too

==========

Glad that there were reviews. Thanks to all who reviewed - I was afraid that there would be none... Anyway, I've tried my best to update soon, fast? Heh, but I think this chapter is rather short and kinda not good, but please R&R, and tell me which part doesn't seem right, I'll take note of it. So, on with the story...

==========

**My Heart Within**

II. My life (Part 2)

----

Only darkness surrounds me now, so dark that the coldness within grows.

I see nothing... not even myself......

----

Time seems to pass so slowly that I felt that it was quite a long time before finally arriving at the Shindou's house. Hesitating for a long time, I pressed the bell. My heart was beating really fast, but why? Was I praying that Hikaru would not be the one answering the door, or was I hoping the opposite?...

Footsteps could be heard as someone approached the door. As the door was pulled back, Mrs. Shindou's face came into view as she peered to see who it was.

"Oh, it's you Akari! Good morning, anything that I can help with?"

"Morning, auntie!" I beamed at her, but feeling a unique sensation within myself. It might have been a mixture of feelings. I knew I was relieved that it was not Hikaru who answered the door. But is it just so simple? If it's so, was the tinge of disappointment I just felt only my hallucination?

"My mum asked me to hand this to you," I handled her the package. Even though this was all that I need to tell her, my throat struggled to form words that I had in mind.

"Oh, thank you Akari." Looking at me, she seemed to realise my wish to say something. "Is there something else you want to say, Akari?"

"Err..I-I.." I could only stammer as I tried in vain to put the words out of my mouth in sentences that make sense.

"Just speak your mind, Akari, you should know the feeling of not being able to voice out your thoughts." She was smiling and for a moment, I thought she resembled someone, and I felt that I could easily talk to her right then.

Then all of a sudden, I blurted out, "Is Hikaru at home? He hasn't been going to school, is it because of Go tournaments, did he win?" I listened to these words and gaped at myself when I finally finished. Looking at Mrs. Shindou, I saw that she was still smiling, only with an odd expression, something of surprise, and something else which I did not know.

She started jokingly, "I see that you missed him, eh?" I felt my face growing hot and quickly escaped her view by looking at the floor. "Well, he is at home, so, would you want me to call him down, though I'm afraid he might be still asleep."

"Oh no, no, don't call him. I-er, was just asking, and he might be angry so...-"

"So I guess I will just help him answer a few questions? He is having tournaments, in fact he has one today, and he's going for a stay-over somewhere this weekend, to guide some people I think, but I totally have no idea whether he win or loses his matches." Mrs. Shindou frowned, "that boy don't usually talk to us anything about Go."

Hmm... Hikaru's still like he's before, minding only his own things and not giving others any word about them.

"Oh Akari, you've got to go to school! I'd better not keep you here, or you'd be late. Say thanks to your mum for me alright? See you soon."

"Bye auntie, good day to you." I waved a good-bye to her and started towards school because I don't feel like going to the park after all.

How I wished Hikaru and I were back to how we used to be, especially when we're still in primary school. I wouldn't mind him being rude to me, for at least we were close then. I knew I can't reverse time, so I must work for my future... Hikaru, I know you are working hard, so I should not give up on anything, and you must not disappoint me... You led the way again... Hikaru, thank you......

==========

Haha, so the second chapter is up, I think this story is going at a rather slow pace. Don't you think so? And I'm taking my time to write because I really hope to make this a good story, now that I've got a plot in mind. Anyway, how was it? Please tell me, thanks and by the way, I won't be updating until at least end of May because I'll be having my mid-year examinations, but I think that during June I'll have many chapters and stories up, so see you then!

P/S: This chapter is updated because I hope to get it up before my exams and my birthday's coming soon, hehe, it's on 27 April and I really wish for more reviews :P and my exams are coming soon too.. sweatdrops - , well, bye for now..


	3. What's Wrong

Disclaimer: Hikaru No Go is not my work; but this story is my work; my idea =P

==========

Ahh... after one month of tremendous stressful days, I'm back!! Firstly, thanks to all who gave encouraging reviews, I really needed them. Have any of you really waited for the story? Hehe, I hope you did. Anyway, I've been having so many headaches when my examination was going on and finally today's the last day of exams and hopefully, for my headaches too. The next worry will be my exams' results. I hope I can get good grades : / But for now, it's time for the story...

==========

**My Heart Within**

III. What's wrong?

----

Perhaps this is just my imagination, perhaps it is only hallucination.

Whatever it is I only hope, that it will soon, finally stop......

----

Days passed like they had always been, while I live my life like I always do. There wasn't much happenings these few days, and I don't want any too. But this morning, I had woke up with a bizarre feeling, I hope nothing serious' going to happen, for my feelings always mean something.

I flipped my planner to today's page, 5 of May, it's Sunday, and mum and dad were both at home. There was nothing written on the page so I just closed it and went for breakfast. Mum's busy cooking in the kitchen whilst dad's up in the Study as usual

"Akari, can you get me something at the grocery after you had had your meal?" I nodded my head. "Just some, wait a moment," she went through her shopping list and continued, "Ahh, a packet of chocolate chips and some flour."

"Mum, you're making cakes?"

"Yep, it's been a long time since I last made one, well, are you not in favour of it?" she asked jokingly.

"Of course not! I think it's a great idea!" I exclaimed.

"That's good." Mum's cakes always tastes brilliant even if it's her 'experimental piece'.

Upon finishing my food, I decided to visit the park. "Mum, I'm going out for a walk, will be back in about half hour."

"Alright."

I took some money and left for the park. It's a rare chance that there's nothing to do on a Sunday, but I know I do have something in mind. I had been feeling tense since I woke up, that bizarre feeling really meant something and I'm afraid something would happen. Thinking that the park could solve my problem, I decided that's it's the best destination.

The park has become my favourite site probably because of its beautiful scenery. The serenity of the place strongly attracted me; it might be the best thinking area, as no other place could have provided me with any better conditions.

I strolled round the park, trying to calm and relax myself from the unpleasant idea. Finally sitting down, I closed my eyes, listening to the sound of peacefulness...

==

On my way back home from the grocery, I noticed a familiar figure—tall, with blond cool bangs as his fringe and carrying a haversack. Hikaru? He was only on the opposite track from me, but my intuition told me not to call him. His eyes were focused with a frown on a book which he was holding, and he looked sort of nervous and serious. I wondered where he's going to, as I watched his diminishing figure as he walked on.

==

That evening, even though mum's cakes were really delicious, they couldn't keep me from thinking too much. Thoughts flooded my mind even though I tried to get rid of them. They were so disturbing, and making my head ached so much. The hindering feeling kept coming back --- despite my efforts of concentrating on other things --- as if telling me that something bad was really going on. Thoughts on Hikaru filled my mind at the same time. Since he walked away, I had been feeling that I should have called out to him. His frown showed that he was in some kind of trouble, and I should've helped him. But would I really be able to?

I couldn't sleep well that night, tossing about in bed, I finally fell into a restless sleep...

==

The following morning, I couldn't get up, I was feeling feverish, and after minutes of struggling, I managed to force myself out of the bed. Mum noticed my pale face eventually, despite the fact that I tried to hide it from her. "Akari, are you all right?"

"Yeah, I'm okay. Why?" I acted as though I didn't realise that I was feeling sick.

"You don't looked so good." She said as she touched my forehead, "You're having a slight fever. How about not going to school today and have a good rest at home? I think I'd better get the day off too..."

"No, mum, I'm all right, you go on with your work. I'm really okay."

She shook her head, looking concerned, "I'll ask your dad to drive you to school, I'll stay at home and wait for you after school. Be back early for lunch okay?" She smiled.

==

It wasn't good in school, I tried to concentrate on the lessons but nothing could get into my brain. Everything was in a blurred vision. Staggering home, I caught my breath before entering the house. "I'm back."

"Akari, come over here and have your lunch." She felt my forehead for a second time that day. "And have a good sleep after this, and have this medicine." She handled me two pills and walked off.

The two pills and the long sleep were refreshing. Even though I woke up drowsily, but the fever had subsided and I wasn't feeling sickly.

Mum was listening to the phone. Usually, I don't listen to what she was talking about, but a word caught my attention and I continued to listen intently.

"... Hikaru behaved strangely yesterday?" There was a slight pause while the other side spoke. "You meant he went out and come home a few trips searching for something and not telling you what it is. Well, it's not weird..."

I did not carry on listening to the rest. What matters most was that Hikaru was behaving strangely yesterday. Had my feelings been about that; that the frown on his face when I saw him, had actually symbolised that he was in trouble? It could be, for my feelings are always true and I couldn't find any reasons other than this. But this is just too much of a coincidence. Or... is it not?

Hikaru, if this is true, does it meant that I could sense your feelings; could feel what you are feeling? Perhaps. Perhaps my feelings for you had grown strong. Now that I know you're in some kind of trouble, will you let me help you? I'll share your problems, and you won't have to bare them all alone. I- I wished that from this day onwards, I could reach towards you... and understand you......

==========

Again, how's this chapter? I think I'll be able to increase my speed of update now, because I'll be having three weeks of school holiday after the next week. But I might also not update for a long time. However, I know you guys will know what to do if you want to read the following chapter soon right? hint hint hehe, joking, what I want to say is that I'm going to edit all my other stories and finish this story before I update the next chapter because I think that story is not flowing and this chapter sounds bad too. Furthermore, I've got other fics which I have not update for a long time. So I guessed from now onwards I'll write out the whole story first (and when I say 'write', I meant it) then slowly update them. And I've got so many ideas for other stories I can't wait to start writing them. Anyway, that's all this time. Hope to receive comments from ya. See you then!

P/S: Please review my second fic too: Valentine Love, 'cause there were so little reviews -sob- and I really hope to receive more for that story because I'd personally think that it's the best story I've written so far.


	4. Knowing

Disclaimer: I don't own Hikaru No Go and the characters from it are used without permission.

==========

Thanks for the reviews for the last chappie!

The last chapter was quite boring so I thought of trying to make this better, but failed again, well, at least I've tried. Anyway, this chapter contains sections from the fiction itself but of course, I've had them edited, and hopefully, the climax will be present in the next chapter. So, hope you enjoy this chapter .

==========

**My Heart Within**

IV. Knowing

----

In front of me, I see the faint light goes, when I didn't in the least hope so.

But will it return, I now can see, that only my heart shall determine it.

----

I don't usually see Hikaru in school for the last few months. But these few days, I always thought I'd actually seen him around. I didn't believe myself until this afternoon, during lunch break. He was in the corridor. I didn't manage to stop myself before calling out, "Hikaru?"

He turned around and looked with a bit of surprise, "Oh, Akari, it's you..."

"How had you been?" I looked at him uncertainly and saw him lowered his head, as a gloomy look dawned on his face. He muttered an unconvincing "Just fine" and turned away, suddenly interested in the passing students.

"Hikaru, if you are free one of these days, you should visit our Go club. Then - then we can all play Go together again."

"Again?" He mumbled, and turning to face me, he said in a tone that sounded a little hesitant, even though his face shown a determined look, "I'm not going to play Go anymore."

I thought of what he had just said as just another excuse for not playing with us and started, "Hikaru! I know we're weak opponents to you... but... we're going to have competition soon, could you just... help train us ... just for a bit..."

"I'm sorry... but I've said I'm not going to play Go anymore..." and he walked off, leaving me standing there.

It must have been my fault, I must have said something terribly wrong. But what could I do now, even if I think he's facing an obstacle all by himself. What could I do?...

==

There was Go club activity in the afternoon. Everybody was concentrating on their games whereas I, was fully occupied by what happened hours ago. The result was loss of three games in a row.

"What's on your mind?" I remembered somebody questioned, "Akari, now it's the time where you have to work harder in Go." I couldn't help it.

It seemed as if the whole day was then disrupted. I couldn't do anything and fell into a sleep in the midst of thoughts...

==

More Go practices were held as we neared the competition. I was looking out of the windows of our Go practice room when I saw someone, "Touya Akira?"

At hearing his name being called, he spun around, "You're Hikaru's friend, aren't you?"

"Yes, and did you come to look for him?" I asked, remembering the incident which happened about one year ago.

"Yeah, do you have any idea where's him?" He asked politely.

"I-I'm not in the same class as him -"

"If you're looking for Shindou," a voice behind me said, and I immediately recognized that it was Kaneko's, "he should be in the library."

"Oh, thanks." And Akira walked off in the direction which I thought was the opposite of the one towards the library.

"Now, let's start our practice!" Kaneko exclaimed.

I pushed aside all my thoughts about the possible reasons Akira had come just to look for Hikaru, and started a game with Kaneko.

==

Perhaps the presence of the final year examination had added stress to me, causing me to have an increasing number of restless nights. This was worsening the situation as I found that I've yet again, unable to focus when I needed to. And the Go activity in the afternoon just didn't help.

I had entered the practice room when Kaneko was reading the Monthly Go Magazine. She saw me and beckoned me over. "Look at this, isn't this Shindou? Why'd he been giving up his games without even playing, I'd thought he was a Go fanatic..."

At her words, I stared at the book she was holding onto, "could you lend me this after you'd read it?"

"Oh, sure! You can borrow it for as long as you want." She said as she continued to read the book.

==

I saw what Kaneko had said that night. Printed on one of the pages of the magazine --- it showed Hikaru's performance. But I couldn't believe it. Nevertheless, the magazine couldn't have been wrong and I've decided, after much thoughts, to asked him personally.

==

I caught him staring out of a window in a classroom corridor about a week later and went forward to ask him. "Hikaru, what does this mean," I showed him the Monthly Go magazine, "why had you been surrendering your games?"

"Where'd you get this, Akari?" said Hikaru as he gazed at the magazine.

"From Kaneko, she subscribes them, I think. But again, what's wrong with you?..." I asked gently.

"I've told you," he said as he turned away, "I'm not going to play Go anymore." Hikaru hadn't been able to face me directly, I noticed, since the time he'd first said this phrase.

"I'd thought you were thinking that we were too easy to win against..." I said softly.

"Nevermind that, anyway," turning back to look at me, he asked, "do you think you'd have time after school to help me revise schoolwork?"

"Fujisaki won't have time for that now! We'd be having the Go competition soon!" I turned around and saw Mitani, glaring at Hikaru.

"Go competition..." Hikaru turned back to look out of the window yet again, staring into space, his eyes suddenly filled with depression. Or, had I just imagined that?

"Don't you dare look down on us! Don't you forget how you'd come this far!" Mitani shouted, his temper rising in him.

"Mitani..." I started to say something but was cut short by him.

"Fujisaki, why'd you care to help him. Don't you see that he despised us?!"

I moved towards Hikaru and spoke, "Hikaru, I know you don't but... would you at least come and visit us during our Go practices?"

"Yeah, you really should." I recognized again that it was Kaneko's voice.

"Both of you -" Mitani started, but Kaneko voiced out again, "You see, Shindou could really train us, he's a Pro player, and I'm not up to the standard to play against you, Mitani, and you need to improve your skills. Really," she faced Hikaru, "Shindou, drop by our club when you're free. We'd really appreciate it."

After much silence, Hikaru finally said something, though he repeated what he had earlier told me, "I'm not going to play Go anymore."

"See?! He'd really had something against us!" Mitani retorted and stormed off.

"Sorry, Shindou, Mitani's like that. But you really should consider coming. We need help, to tell you the truth. Anyway, Akari, we've got Go later, don't be late." Kaneko added to me and walked off.

"Hikaru, don't mind whatever Mitani had said, and even if you're not coming to our Go practices, I hope you don't mind going to the Go competition to support us?"

I started to turn away but Hikaru whispered, "Akari, I'm sorry, for not helping you all."

I spun around and looked at him. He looked so much different from the Hikaru I used to know, his eyes shone with sadness, and he had himself in a position that seemed as though he lacked so much confidence. What exactly was happening? I really wished to find out.

Pausing for so long, I finally told him, "Hikaru, you're not hurting me in any way, so, don't say sorry. It's also your choice, to decide what you want to do." Then adding on as I thought of something, I spoke as gently as I thought it was, "Hikaru, I know you're facing something , maybe depressing, could even be the loss of something precious, but don't forget that you're not alone, you've still got me as a friend, and I'm sure I won't mind sharing some things with you." Smiling at him, I continued, "You have me to talk to when you want... moreover... I really hope you could return to the cheery self you used to have... well, I've got to go, so, bye and see you soon, Hikaru."

As I started to leave, I caught the startled look on his face, and smiled to myself, knowing that I'm correct, knowing that I've at least got a clue about what's happening, about what he's facing... ...

==========

Hmm... I haven't got too much to say this time round, but, just hope that this chapter is not too bad. Give me your comments, and that's all, jya =)


	5. Power of Care

Disclaimer: Hikaru No Go does not belong to me, and characters from it are used without permission. Only the plot of this story belongs to me.

==========

Reviews! Reviews!! They're just wonderful sources of encouragement. Thanks for all the reviews I've got for the previous chapter. And here's the next chapter! (By the way, I'd changed my penname from Crystal Orb to FloriaCharms; just a note...)

==========

**My Heart Within**

V. Power of Care

----

Days are bright in your presence. But they grew dark in your absence.

Would it continue this way—obscuring my view—or would the dark clouds leave, revealing a rainbow......

----

A dim light crept in from the windows, signally the break of dawn. I rubbed my eyes and looked at my alarm clock. I was a bit later than usual, but still, I was earlier than I have to be. Feeling lazy, I lie down on my bed, my eyes transfixed at the white ceiling; it was no doubt that thoughts had once more, found their way into my mind.

I recalled the many things which happened over the past few months, but particularly yesterday. When I met Hikaru in school, he had actually smiled at me. But behind the smile, I could still feel a tinge of sadness that lingered on. Maybe he felt more than a tinge, but had hidden it so well – he had learnt to hide his feelings.

There was something I really wished to do; to help relieve this pain which seemed to have conjured a mist on his path. He seemed lost, stressed, disheartened. Maybe this feeling will last through his whole life, but he should know what to do, how to go on with his life – to see the path lying ahead of him.

I finally stood up, stretched and got my uniform. As I walked into the bathroom, a thought slowly descend upon my mind: care is something powerful to help heal a wound, and smile together with encouragement will bring about it. I didn't know why I had suddenly came up with this, but I had the feeling that it is true, and I must try......

==

Hours in school ended so quickly that I thought I had to be dreaming. As the bell rang, conversation between people grew louder and the whole school was soon engulfed by a cheery and noisy atmosphere. I gathered my things on the table and headed for the lockers.

Finally, I staggered to the gates of my school under the weight of my bulky bag, hoping to be home soon, away from the crowd.

As I was about to turn round a corner, I heard a familiar voice which, however, was in a dangerous tone. I strained my ear to listen to whatever that was going on, even when I had no idea who it was.

"Stop giving that awful sorry look! I must tell you you're worrying her so much! In fact, you're hurting her! I've seen her these few days – walking around as if she lived in her own world. Forgetting the greetings she used to give us! All our club members could see the she's bothered!" The voice was growing louder by the second, as though the speaker was getting angrier.

I edged closer and peered over to look at who was talking, just as a second voice sounded, "... I'm sorry I've ever did that to Akari -"

On hearing my name, and seeing that it was Mitani and Hikaru, I gasped so loudly and quickly retreated, but I know it was too late.

"Who's that?" Mitani called as his footsteps neared. He halted when he saw that it was me, and stared apprehensively, "Fujisaki? Were you here all along?"

Few seconds later, Hikaru arrived too. I found my voice and spoke, "Mitani, I know...you and the whole of Go club – all of you – care about me, but all that I'd been feeling, or showing on my face, had nothing to do with Hikaru... you shouldn't have talked to him in that manner..." As I said this, Mitani's face changed, looking a bit embarrassed.

"You heard all of it?" He choked.

"No, I didn't, I'd just arrived -" I tried to explain but was cut off by Mitani, it was obvious that he hadn't taken in a word that I've just said.

"Well, I don't blame you for saying I'm wrong and overhearing our conversation... But you should know that keeping your emotions to yourself will only hurt more. And if it is somebody's fault," he eyed Hikaru angrily, "and the person didn't even make an effort to help you, you should stay away from him." He made no effort to not emphasise on the word "him" and continued, "Well, I'd better get going, see you, Fujisaki." With one last threatening look at Hikaru, he strode off, back towards our school building.

I looked away into the distant and finally heard a voice, "Akari... what Mitani had said was reasonable, after all... you hide a lot of your emotions..." This voice was rare; it was so long ago that I've heard it utter a whole sentence. I really wish I will hear more of it...

I turned and gazed into Hikaru's eyes, "Hikaru... you've lost a lot of things I like about you, your cheerfulness, where has it gone to? Your recklessness, even if it's no longer around, you're still doing things the wrong way. When are you going to overcome this obstacle you're facing right now? Is running away all that you're going to do?..."

Hikaru remained silent, as though understanding something, "I'm sorry, Akari." He spoke with his voice filled with remorse. But I wasn't going to accept just this, "Come with me!" and I did something I've never done in years—I grabbed his hand and pulled. My face would have blushed more if the situation was less serious.

I dragged him to the park; he made no move to restrain. I halted when I've came to somewhere near the lake. I pointed out towards the lake and panted, "Shout out to the lake! Shout out whatever that's paining you!" And as if demonstrating, I cupped my hands around my mouth and yelled out with all my might. The effect was tremendous. It was just like removing something that's been hindering for a long time. "Do it and you'll feel better..." I told Hikaru, who was looking a bit surprise.

"It won't work, Akari -" he started, his face had settled on a pleading look.

"Hikaru, don't say it won't work when you've never try," my heart was feeling determined, but my voice changed to be as gentle as I could. "Hikaru... what happened? Why have you become like this?...Did you...did you lost something, something precious, something you've treasured..." I was saying everything according to my intuition...

Hikaru's face suddenly sank and his eyes changed, even though he looked more mature, but I didn't like the feeling, I've got to get rid of it... but only slowly... "Hikaru, share it with me... let it out... I... I wish to help you... if saying out is a relief..."

Maybe I did everything rather forcefully, maybe I've hurt him, but I really hope I was helping him. I hate the sadness that was around him. I missed the childhood Hikaru. I know it's impossible to get back, but I don't mind, just so long that Hikaru doesn't remain like this...

==

I absentmindedly pushed back the front doors of my house and stepped into the quiet hall.

"Akari, you're back. Why were you so late?" my mum asked and I looked with a mild astonishment at her, "mum, you're back so early?"

"Oh my, don't you remember. I told you this morning..." she said sweetly and motioned for me to go upstairs, "get a nice bath quickly and come down to enjoy your dinner, it's ready." She smiled at me, and entered the kitchen.

I staggered upstairs, wondering what Hikaru had said, just moments ago, but it all seemed vague. My mind swam with images I heard him described, all of which that's most intriguing, was the presence of another being these few years, and which I had not noticed... He said that it had followed him everywhere... but why'd I never seen it? Why was I unable to see it?

Fujiwarano Sai... someone mysterious... yet close to Hikaru... someone who's a teacher... yet a friend... someone who appeared and taught him the game of Go... yet disappeared and caused him to lost all hope in the game...

Hikaru wanted to let him play... but he never came back. Hikaru dared not continue to play... because he feared that Sai would never come back... He regretted that he hardly ever give Sai a chance to play, and even promised never to touch the game anymore... only awaiting Sai's return...

I shut myself in the room after dinner, trying to piece all information I'd known about the last few years... but it was tedious. The feelings I felt now was somewhat similar to that of Hikaru's. I was beginning to understand how he had faced this incident all these months, by himself... It was... most disheartening... I recalled the teary face Hikaru wore as he told me the whole incident, and the sadness that fully showed from within him... I'd never thought he would face anything like this... I didn't want to think. Someone that precious... to leave... alone to yourself... lost... My heart felt the strangest fear... I don't want that to happen... never...

"Akari, what are you doing?" I heard my mum's knocks on the door and spun quickly as though out of a trance. I felt as though my body had gone rigid. I heard the door being pushed open and mum came in. She closed the door and walked towards me, then sat down beside in the bed, "Akari, are you all right? You looked very troubled..." Mum spoke in the tenderest tone I've heard and I could feel my dreamy eyes rolling slowly to meet hers.

There was silence for a long moment, and I'd suddenly felt an overwhelming misery overcame me, hot tears rolled down my cheeks. I felt myself being snuggled up into a warm hug... words which might've sounded nonsensical escaped my mouth... "I don't want to lose anybody close to me... mum... I want to stay by your side forever, with dad too... I don't want to lose anybody and regret..."

Perhaps I transferred some of my emotions to my mother, for I felt her trembling as she spoke, "I would never leave you too, Akari, my dear..."

Even if I didn't tell her what happened, I had the slightest feeling that she understood everything... we hugged until I'd lost track of time. Everything which happened on that day was vague yet vivid. I only remembered that I lay quiet on my back, with my blankets up to my chin, as the lights went off and the door closed...

==========

Sorry to have taken such a long time to update, if you've been waiting. But I've been feeling more and more difficult to get myself to write as the story continues (perhaps I didn't manage my story well) Anyway, how'd this chapter been? Akari might seemed to be a bit OOC, but hope that you don't mind. This'd been the longest chapter so far. So, I'll love to see ya reviews! : )


	6. Premonition

Disclaimer: Hikaru No Go does not belong to me and characters from it are used without permission.

----------

Lots of thanks to all reviewers of the last chapter, -smile-. Here's the next – a more important chapter of the fic. I had trouble writing, especially the end . After reading so many touching fics, it is definitely a challenge to try one myself. And so, here's the next chapter, hope you like it -.

----------

**My Heart Within **

VI. Premonition

--------

My heart ache as I see you fall, it felt as though everything was lost...

All was gone like my soul had too, as I lost my senses and feel no more......

--------

Very weakly, I opened my eyes, only to be greeted by the misty darkness. I reckoned that it was still early morning. Nevertheless, the darkness was scary. There was nothing in sight – all darkness. I wasn't even able to see myself. Ironically, I knew I was standing up. I yearn so much for my bed as my eyelids felt heavy.

But something caught my attention, something in the distance... Again misty, but obvious, it was a source of light. It was something small but significant, glowing with bright light and growing larger by the second. My eyes strained to continue the gaze as the bright light grew stronger. When it was finally close enough for me to see clearly, my eyes, however, shut themselves, having no more resistance to the brightness and weariness.

As though a voice that called to me, I sensed something urging me to open my eyes. There was no hesitance as I did so. There was no longer the bright light, but a faint one, and it came from a shimmering figure. As my eyes gradually moved up to the face of the person, I realized in astonishment that it was someone I know, someone so familiar...

"Mum! You're beautiful!" I couldn't contain my emotions. Seeing a elegant figure before me, just like a goddess.

Her eyes closed as she smiled gently and I felt a heartwarming sensation. I've got the faint impression that somehow I've seen this before.

Just as I stood, continuing my gaze and admiring her, something terrible came so suddenly and destroyed everything. Not unlike a mirror, shattering into pieces, she fell as something struck her. I stared horrified, as the faint shimmering light disappeared just like a candle light going off.

Everything was once again, in darkness, accompanied by a new element – coldness. There was fear within me, and the coldness along with the darkness made it overpowering. I felt myself getting weaker as the seconds passed; I felt myself fall down somewhere far below, a seemingly endless way.

----------

I jolted upright to the dim morning light, and discovered with a relief that I was lying on my bed, rolled up in my blankets. My heart was beating at an unusually fast rate. I stared blankly into the thing air as I felt myself calm down. Images of the dream, however, lingered in my mind, appearing now and then, so clearly remembered, so oddly clear... that it was frightening... I shook my head vigorously, wishing that the undesirable thoughts would be shaken off, but only in vain.

So suddenly did I stand up, and I felt a swirl in vision. I ran through my usual routine as quickly as I could, hoping that these could chase away those fearful thoughts.

"Morning, Akari, getting earlier!" Mum's voice instantly rang in my ears as I stepped down the stairs onto the landing. I stared wide-eyed ay her, images in mind flicking past one after another. Feelings were overwhelming and tears uncontrollably welled up in my eyes as I darted forward and hugged my mum tightly.

"Akari, what's wrong?" there was a note of concern from her tone. She looked worriedly at me and waited for my answer.

I slowly let go of her and croaked, "It's just a-a dream, I... I'm just frightened. I'm sorry to worry you..." I wiped off my tears hastily. Sensing that this was not all, mum asked gently, "what happened? Would you tell me about the dream? Maybe you'll feel better after it..." She led me to the table and sat down. "Have your breakfast..." She handed me a plate filled with delicious-looking food. As I ate, I told her the details of the dream, and her eyes were always looking so anxious and concerned. When I finally finished, she smiled and spoke, "Yes, it's only a dream, so don't take it too seriously. Don't try to keep away from the thought of it, because it will make you think about it more. Just relax and I'm sure you'll feel better later. Do you feel better after telling me what happened?"

I nodded my head. I wasn't lying. Little feelings of fear disappeared as I talked about the dream. Nevertheless, I was still feeling uncomfortable but I believed it will disappear. After all, it is only a dream... or so I thought.

----------

"Mum, I'm going out now." I stepped out into the porch and turned back to face her. Unknowingly, I remembered the image of her in the dream. Comparing that, Mum's outline was much clearer now, moreover, she looked livelier and I'm glad about it. "Take care, mum."

"Alright, be careful on the way, Akari." She waved and I smiled back and waved too...

I don't know what has gotten into me, but whenever I was about to leave, I would turn back to look at her, as if I'd miss her...

----------

School was about the usual things. However, at about half day, dark cloud drew outside and thunders were soon heard. It was a long time since we'd had a rainy day as it was normally breezy. Soon, it was raining heavily, and the storm seemed ominous. Out there in the open, it was almost as dark as that during late evening. I had no idea why my pulse rate was increasing as it rained heavier.

"It's still raining, I wondered when it would stop." Keiko, sitting beside me, muttered, I looked up from my work and peered at the rain. It was indeed still raining, and it didn't seem in the least of getting lighter. There was a definite fall in temperature, but it wasn't affecting me physically, but more of emotionally. The same piercing cold I felt in that dream was coming back to me again right now... Somehow, I felt that something bad was approaching.

Just then, a teacher strode briskly into the class and spoke to our subject teacher. Then she raised her head and looked in my direction, saying in a clear voice, "Fujisaki, please follow me downstairs now."

She looked serious and worried, this made me feel nervous and I quickly followed. We exited the classroom and I followed her at a fast pace. "Fujisaki, there was a call for you, it's urgent. Now," she panted and continued, "listen to me, no matter what you hear, you must stay calm, though I think this might come as quite some shock. But remember, this is life, you must get on with it, remember this."

We stopped outside the main office and she turned to me, her expression gentle, "Now, let's go in." and she gave a sad smile.

I've no idea what's really happening.

I stepped into the office and the teacher led me to a phone, and then motioned for me to listen to it.

I received the phone receiver, "Hello?" There was a long pause as I strained my ear to listen for any sound.

"Akari..." I recognized the voice, it was Dad's and I heard him breathe in deeply. He sounded as though it was taking a lot of might to say, then he continued, "I'm calling from the hospital. Your mum-" and he paused so suddenly as if stifling a sudden lurch of sadness, then went on, "she'd met up with something unexpected." Separating his words came sobs of agony, but he forced himself to continue, "... it was... very bad...She...she is..." and his voice trailed off.

But for some reason, I didn't think I could go on anymore. I couldn't bear to listen to what had happen. Images of the dream flashed past once again. All that I've dreaded so much, I was afraid of hearing them; I was afraid that I've got to face them.

My heart was sinking every second... for all I know, it was painful. All my energy was draining away so rapidly... Things were moving in and out of focus... I heard him say something... but it wasn't clear enough. And I thought I saw the floor rushing up to meet me, just before all became darkness...

----------

Like I said, I think the back part of this chapter was a bit weird, I think it was sort of too sudden. But I'd like to receive some comments from you, and thanks in advance. Hopefully, I'd be able to get the next chapter done soon and get this edited too. Alright, that's all this time!


	7. Lost the Way

Disclaimer: I don't own Hikaru No Go, but this is my own plot even if it concerns HnG.

----------

Wow! I received quite some reviews for the last chapter, that's a first time. So happy—was encouraging so I thought I should write the chapters at a faster rate. But my examinations are coming, so it would probably be another one month (or maybe earlier) before I update the next chapter. And I thought I should complete the story soon. Thus, I will be writing the last two chapters after this. And yes, if you're thinking that the story's finishing, you're correct! And I hope you're looking forward to reading the ending. By the way, this chapter might have weird expressions here and there, and it might sound weird and lacks feelings. But I hope that other than these, it's still a good chapter to you all. Well, I should stop all my talking and go on with the story now, so, here's it, hope you enjoy.

----------

**My Heart Within**

VII. Lost the Way

--------

I see light approaching... Bringing with it hope, love and warmth...

Has it specially come for me? To bring me out of this misery...

--------

"Akari-chan, wake up..." someone was shaking me gently to rouse me, but my eyes were feeling heavy, I just didn't feel like opening them. "Akari-chan, wake up..." the person continued to call.

"I think she's coming round, look at her eyelids... Poor girl, fainted even before the news could get to her." the second voice said.

"Help me get some warm water, I think she'd need it," and the first person continued to shake me.

With all my might, I raised my eyelids slowly and light streamed in. There was the teacher who brought me to the office, and she was holding me.

"Akari-chan! You're finally awaked." She smiled at me and tenderly got me up to a sitting position. I looked around and saw almost all the people in the office looking at me. I lowered my face and tried to recall what had happened, just as a lady walked to me and gave me a cup of warm water, "Drink it. It'll make you more energetic."

"Thank you." I obeyed and received the cup. Raising it to my mouth, the teacher whispered, "I know you're trying to recall what'd happened, but don't try too hard." I nodded my head and forced a smile.

I drank down the water slowly. As I finished it, the teacher made a move to stand up. Upon seeing that, I immediately asked, "Teacher, may I know how to address you?"

She raised her eyebrows in surprise but lowered them as understanding dawn on her, "You can call me Ms. Minamoto. Now, get going," and her tone once again, turn softer as she said, "I'll drive you to the hospital..."

Hospital?...

I stood frozen for a moment as a strange flow of memory flooded my mind. I remembered the phone call, Dad's voice, he said something too... but... what was it?

"Akari-chan?" a soft voice called.

"Huh?" I pulled myself out of the memory and looked in Ms. Minamoto's direction.

"Follow me... we'll need an umbrella..." she motioned for me to follow her. Dreamily, I stepped out of the office, and was greeted by the sudden drumming of the rain falling on shelters. It was still raining heavily.

"Come on, get under the umbrella and I'd get you to the car." Ms. Minamoto raised her voice slightly, trying to overcome the noise the rain was making.

I followed her and with quick steps, we were soon outside her car. She opened the door and I went in. It was much warmer in the car. I dried myself and waited till Ms. Minamoto come in through the other door of the car. "Do you want to have anything? I've got a few pieces of chocolate if you like..." she asked.

"Oh thank you, but I don't think I'll have it." I looked at her while she smiled, but her expression gradually became serious and worried. "Did you hear everything that your father wanted to say?"

I shook my head, "maybe I'd heard, but I just couldn't remember it." She started the car and it was soon traveling at a constant speed.

"Akari? Remember, running away just won't help... I've got to tell you what had happened, because understanding is important, and there might not be too much time left. I don't want you to be too shocked or anything. So remember, what will come would come, and we'd have to face it when it did... and even if facing it is difficult, we still have to try. If we don't, we'd just be giving up hope entirely and that's not good—we'll never be able to solve any problem that way. We've got to face it. This is life. This is how we grow..."

I listened to her words; I know what had happened, maybe not exactly; I know what I was doing, but I was just trying to run away... I took in a deep breath and felt my heartbeat quicken; I know I'd have to receive the news, no matter how difficult...

"Akari-chan... your mum is in the hospital now—I'm driving you to meet her. I think she was hit by a car. I'm afraid... I'm afraid she's not going to live long..." she said these words clearly and slowly so that I caught each word she said.

As the words hit me, a bizarre feeling seemed to rush through me. It was difficult to hold it back. I shivered uncontrollably as I forced back the tears welling up in my eyes. I turned my head to face the window, afraid that Ms. Minamoto would see my face...

I looked at the images that flashed past me—they were just blur images, or maybe I was already crying. I'd no conscious of it. I don't want to feel too much, because the sadness would become overwhelming. I...want to stay strong. I don't want to break down in front of anybody.

Mum won't die. She's strong and promised me to stay by my side forever. She said that, she won't go back on her word... will she?

I was feeling so tired that even my eyes were painful. The random thunders and the horrible feeling made me feel cold despite the warmth in the car. I hate this feeling. I want a rest. I'm really sleepy. Maybe after a sleep, I will wake to find out that this, was after all, just a bad dream...

--------

I know I was only deceiving myself, but all I had left was this little hope. Nevertheless, this little hope seems to be faltering—even it appears to be insecure. I want to pull through everything, to face everything no matter how tough... But will I really be able to?

--------

"Here we are," Ms. Minamoto told me as she stopped and carefully parked her car. The rain had stopped. All that was left from the storm were just puddles of water and a chilling breeze. I shuddered as it slapped against my face, and saw, at the same time, sinister dark clouds floating in the sky.

As we entered the hospital, a nurse clad in a white uniform approached us. She had long hair tied up as a bun behind her head. "Is anyone of you here named Fujisaki Akari?" she asked with a good-natured expression.

I nodded and waited for further instructions. "Please follow me then, to see Mrs. Fujisaki." We followed her into a lift. "...Is she okay?..." I asked uncertainly.

"I'm sorry, I'm not sure about the details, but she'd just come out of the operation room." And looking at me, she added, "She'll be fine, don't worry too much."

I wish I could, but it was too unconvincing.

"This is it." The nurse stated. We stopped outside a ward after a short walk from the lift. "I'll take my leave here." The nurse bowed and left.

I had no idea why my heart was thumping so fast just as my hand reached for the handle of the door. Two hands squeezed my shoulders lightly and Ms Minamoto said, "Stay calm, Akari."

I pushed back the door and looked around the room, my heart thumping faster than ever. I was afraid of seeing her with serious wounds, I was afraid of facing her; even so, I was also afraid of losing her.

My eyes rested on first, a man—Dad, then a woman—a patient. Mum? My eyes stared transfixed on her. She was lying down on the bed, her eyes closed. A bandage was wrapped around her head.

"Akari, I'll have a word with you. Please excuse us, teacher." Dad said, his expression solemn, and started to lead me out of the room. He was walking as though lifelessly and didn't utter a single word until we were finally out of the room.

"Akari, your mum..." and he sighed helplessly as I watched. I was beginning to feel sick. Softly, he said, "You may think that she look alright, but... but the operation wasn't successful." And he finally gave an irrepressible sob of which followed incoherent words that were blurted out, "the doctor said she could only live for the most...the most... a day. And if she doesn't wake, she'll...she'll just past away in her sleep. The doctor also said that she was hurt at the back when the car crashed into her... and her head...when she hit the floor...."

Looking on the floor, Dad's eyes widened in horror and he continued, "I saw it all happened... I wanted to call out to her..." He mumbled to himself.

I stood there—stumped. The surrounding feels exceptionally deserted so that every little noise made then, was amplified. I heard Dad gulped, but more to that, I felt my heart stopped, my legs weakened... and my body crumpled down as my knees gave way.

"You saw it happen?" My voice was filled with anguish, but was I feeling angry towards Dad then?

Just as my mouth opened, there came a cry, "Mr. Fujisaki, Akari-chan, Mrs. Fujisaki, she's...she's..."

"What?" I was feeling impatient and couldn't bother about what she wanted to say. Strength came to my legs and I bolted into the ward, heaving a sigh of relief when I saw that Mum's still breathing. "What's wrong?" I turned to face Ms. Minamoto, and found that Dad was just behind me. His eyes worried and he looked pale.

"I'm sorry, I was... about to say she's moving." Ms. Minamoto panted as she clarified what had happened, pointing to Mum.

True enough, Mum's fingers moved and her head slowly turned. Taking the nearest seat to Mum, I sat down and held her hand. It was cold. "Mum, wake up. Please wake up, we need you badly." Her eyelids quivered as I continued to talk to her, "Mum, wake up."

I stopped when her eyes began opening, thought slowly but definite. "Mum..." I didn't notice the strength of my hands on hers increased as I held on.

Her eyes slowly moved from me to Dad, then to Ms. Minamoto. "Akari, Dear..., you're all here... and you must be Akari's teacher..." her eyes stopping on Ms. Minamoto.

"Yes, I am. Glad to see that you've awoken. I shall take my leave here." And she bowed and left, just like the nurse.

"Akari, can you get me something?" Mum asked. I could see that it was taking her a great deal of energy just to talk.

"What is it, Mum?" I quickly answered.

"Get me the kind of tea I've always enjoyed drinking. I've got this sudden urge of consuming it." She said as her voice got softer.

"No problem, I'll get it." and she smiled, the smile I've always love to see, but it felt different this time...

I know she wanted to tell Dad something, privately, but I'm afraid that leaving her would be the last time she's going to see me. Even so, I retreated from the room and sprinted to get her favourite drink.

Thoughts flooded my mind as the air brushed against my face. I know where I should go just to get the perfect drink. Nevertheless, my mind was in a twirl.

I stopped at the shop and carefully chose the drink. Within seconds, I found the right one and ordered it.

As I secured the drink with both of my hands, I ran towards the hospital as fast as I could.

Mum, will I be able to see you again? I don't want you to die. Don't leave us yet. You promised to be with me forever. Mum...

She was looking sick when I left. I was afraid she might disappear from this world. I ran top speed back to the hospital and took the lift, following the path the nurse had previously showed.

Dad was standing outside, in a daze. "Dad!" he raised his head in my direction. "Have you bought it?" He asked dully.

"Yes. Here's it... who's inside with Mum?" I asked wishing that it was why he was standing outside.

"Hikaru's mother and Hikaru himself are inside. His father is overseas, so he won't be coming..." He stated without interest.

"Dad!" he looked shocked at me shouting at him, "Please, look happier, Mum will be sad too, if she sees you like this..." I knew I was in no position to tell him that. But I wanted Mum to be happy, even if she leaves...it's only a 'if'... I gave Dad a smile and he returned it.

I must stay happy as long as Mum's still around. I want her to be happy, even if I was feeling in a mess.

The door of the ward opened and Hikaru walked out. "Uncle, Akari, please go in." The way he talked sounded different form which I last heard him. There was something else different too...but I couldn't tell, for my mind was on Mum.

"Akari, come nearer to your mum, she has something to tell you." Mrs. Shindou called out to me.

"I nodded and went forward. "Mum, here's your tea." I arranged the drink and the straw so that she could have it conveniently.

Was I imagining it all, or was it really true that she was getting paler by the minute?

Mum took over the drink and whispered to me, "Akari, I'm really feeling tired. I really wish to sleep. But I've got so much to tell you..." she paused and breathed in a deep breath, "Akari, you're the only one I'm worried about. Don't be too affected by my death-"

"No! Mum, you won't die!" I retorted. I can't accept it, even if I really must...

She sighed. "Akari, don't be stubborn. This isn't the Akari I know. You must continue life as it was before this, just usual days, and don't reproach yourself or blame others for anything. Just be strong, promise me..."

"Mum, you won't die! You will live!" but she was already shaking her head. Just then, her eyes suddenly widened in shock as though a jolt of pain had surged through her body.

"Mum!" Many other voices were heard besides mine. She coughed and I saw more blood draining away from her face.

"Akari, promise me..." she choked. I can't stand to see the pain shown on her face, and I don't want her to be disappointed.

"Mum, I promise you, I will stay strong and continue life." Tears were already flowing down my cheeks—I just had no control over them.

Then, she smiled—a smile filled with many meanings that I could suddenly feel.

Lying down after she'd finish the bottle of drink, she put it aside and said, "I thank all of you for your concern and love. Now, I'm really tired. Please let me rest." She smiled to every each and one of us and closed her eyes, "Akari, maintain your smile, be bright and cheery, forever..."

She seemed to have fallen asleep immediately. So soon that all became quiet almost at once, until I noticed that she wasn't breathing...

"MUM!!!" I flung myself on her and held her as close to me as possible. "Mum! You promised me never to leave me!" My vision was a blur; my thoughts were a total confusion.

I felt two warm hands on my shoulders, trying to consol me. But all I yearn for was to be with Mum, for as long as possible......

--------

"Mum? Mum, where are you?" I reach out my hands uncertainly into the darkness, and frantically felt about for something to hold on to. But there was nothing---empty, just thin air. I felt my heart sink; I was feeling so helpless, lost in the way, lost my guiding light...

My unbalanced body staggered and tripped. I collapsed onto the cold hard floor, and a surging pain rushed up my limbs. My body was totally exhausted and I had lost the determination to get up anymore. My eyes were hot and feeling weary, I know something was flowing out of them; I know they were tears, but I took no notice of them. All I know was that my heart was very painful. Breathlessly, I lifted my hand and clutched my chest, trying to stop the pain.

I wished it will go away... just disappear... and miraculously, it did.

There was neither the presence of pain in my heart nor my legs. And I didn't feel the coldness from the floor. But I remained where I was; there was no change in the surroundings, yet I felt different...I felt...empty...

----------

That's about it. Please review. Thank you.

P/s: Akari might become very OOC in the next chapter, whereas Hikaru's importance of the story will soon be revealed in the coming chapters. Please continue to support the story by waiting for the next chapter. Thanks again. Bye.


	8. Quiet Days

Disclaimer: Much to my despair, I do not own Hikaru no Go, and neither are the characters used with permission.

* * *

I'm so sorry I haven't been updating for such a long time. There were examinations then, after which I found myself having a serious writer's block. I guessed that was due to me losing touch of the fic and the pressure of living up to my usual standard. Anyway, hope that this chapter is able to connect with all of the previous ones. And here it is for you all

* * *

**My Heart Within**

VIII. Quiet Days

* * *

Out in the darkness, you are the light... Out in the coldness, you are the warmth...

You gave me all that I missed, and all that I needed to get up on...

* * *

I wished I could sleep forever, then maybe when I wake up, everything will be like what it used to be. Maybe everything would not have happened. Or maybe time would have at least numbed it all. This was what I thought. 

But I was wrong.

* * *

I began losing track of things—memories, time, and even what I used to do. Sometimes, in the middle of nowhere, I would have to ask myself what I was doing, where I was and why... I felt as if I was losing myself... 

I did not like this feeling, but I just couldn't help it. I had even tried forcing myself to remember things that I had forgotten, particularly one that I knew that was very important to me. I knew that the thing happened just weeks ago, and that it was something solemn, but I knew no more.

But why? Why was it that it was something serious and I can't remember it? Why was it an important thing and nobody else knew about it or told me about it? I thought over these questions repeatedly, as I tried recalling my lost memory. Nevertheless, whenever I was getting close upon recalling the incident, my head would ache badly, and I had no idea why it had been so.

Dad had to bring me to the doctor every single time when that happens. He told me that I would have to stop all my useless thoughts and relax myself, but those thoughts were of great importance, and definitely not useless. I had never tell Dad about it, just as similar to how he had never tell me what was wrong with me and whatever illness I was suffering from. Even so, I had never ask him regarding it, because I believed that what I need to know, he would tell me, and what he need to know, I would too, tell him...

* * *

The alarm screamed in my ears after what seemed like only an hour of short sleep. I sat up abruptly on my bed and rubbed my eyes. Having pulled the curtains on the previous night, the room was thus, dark. I strained my eye to look around and soon had them rested on a spot on my table. I couldn't understand why have I always do this when it was only an empty spot. 

Maybe I'd been behaving strangely ever since that incident happened. Perhaps many things had changed since then. But what really happened?

I descended the stairs, after I'd dressed, into the hall where it was almost as dark as my room. I stood at the foot of the stairs and closed my eyes, my senses particularly alert.

Things really changed. What I feel, hear and smell then, everything was different from what I'd known. There was not a single sound made in the house as I stood still; there was no breeze or fragrance in the air—everything was still. I opened my eyes and took in every detail of the house that I could notice—things missing from their places, though I couldn't remember what they were; things which were important to me; things that belonged to...

I winced as my head suddenly sting painfully and thoughts rapidly disappeared. Having no idea how to relief the pain, I crept onto a chair and sunk down in it. Unknowingly, tears swam in my eyes, obscuring my vision. I felt weak, breathless. Deep within me, I knew I hated the feeling; I knew I wished the pain would go away... but apart from knowing this, what else could I do?

* * *

I made my way towards the main gate in the hours of school dismissal, dragging my tired feet and urging my aching body to move along. It was only moments ago did I entered the staff room because a teacher, named Ms. Minamoto, had called for me. She seemed to know me very well and was talking to me about my recent grades and whether I was facing any difficulties in studying. I knew I used to do well in most of my subjects, but everything had become strangers to me—I don't seem to understand them at all... Ms. Minamoto even asked me about my life at home, I had no idea what she was driving at, weren't everything just as it had always been? 

Even so, I knew I was deceiving myself again, just this morning I had found out certain things that had been different, though I wasn't sure how different they were. I did not tell her about these, because I had thought it was meaningless...

Just as I reached the main gate, Kumiko came running to me, shouting, "Akari!"

I stopped in my tracks and waited as she panted for breath, having caught up with me after running for quite some distance. "Akari-aren't you coming to Go club anymore?" Kumiko asked pleadingly, though I was sure she was looking at me with concern.

"I'm sorry... I'm feeling extremely tired today..." I replied dreamily, feeling remorseful at the same time. I had not attended most of the Go practices after that thing happened—the one I tried recalling about.

"Akari, are you alright? You don't look too good..." Kumiko asked and for an instance, another voice rang in my ears, saying the same words. It was not happening then. It was a memory, but of whom was it?

Kumiko looked worried as I staggered while more giddiness overcame me. She quickly held me and said, "I think you'd better not go to the study group which you've been going these few days."

On hearing her words, I gasped, "I forgot all about it! Oh no..." Due to my falling grades, I had been returning home late these days in order to go to a study group formed by my classmates, just to catch up on what I've missed.

"I think it'll be okay if you don't go." said Kumiko. "I'll help you inform them about it. You really need a rest. You think you can make it home by yourself?" Kumiko eyed me anxiously and I promptly nodded my head. She seemed dubious and I added, "I can, really."

"Hmm, I sure hope you do. Akari, if you need help, just call me okay?" and adding in an undertone, she said, "Return to your normal self real soon okay?" She smiled at me and jogged off, shouting a "Bye" and waving as she soon disappeared from my vision.

I found myself pondering about what Kumiko had just said as I continued my way home. The more I thought about it, the more confusing everything seemed—the house was different, my grades were different, Kumiko meant I was different, but what really caused this difference? My head spun more as I was about to reach home. I reckoned it had been due to these futile thoughts.

I pushed back the gate and ascended the porch. After rummaging my bag for the key, I slid it into the keyhole and turned the doorknob, just as somebody called my name.

My head automatically turned to face the source of the sound and saw a stranger standing at the gate of the house. However, he did not seem to be a total stranger after all—I've met him before. Dressed in Haze High's uniform, a boy with blonde bangs, about my age, carried a haversack and was looking at me most intently.

It was a few moments before I had finally realised who I was looking at.

"Hikaru?" the word escaped my mouth without me really knowing it.

Hikaru stared at me for a while then he smiled, "Can I come in?"

But I wasn't really listening anymore. Something was stirring at the back of my mind. Something which he told me about... No, it wasn't... It was something which happened the last time I saw him... What was it...? What was it? Hospital? A bed? Was I crying? Why? Who was lying on the bed?

My vision swirled like the surface of disturbed water. Everything was then, misty...

"Akari!" I opened my eyes and saw Hikaru shaking me, his face no doubt a worried look. He seemed more relief as I came round. I noticed I had fallen right at the doorstep and Hikaru was holding me. He quickly helped me up and let go of me, frowning as he looked at me. "Akari, are you sick?"

I shook my head, "I think I'm just tired."

"Is it that simple?" Hikaru looked uncertainly. "Anyway, let's get into the house first."

He pushed back the door and carried my bag inside, "It's been so long since I've been here… Well, actually," he started as I closed the door and pulled back the curtains, revealing a sunny weather outside, "your dad told me that you've been having headaches. Is it true?" I nodded my head, feeling drowsier than I previously was.

"I think you'd better sit down." Hikaru said, "I'll get you a cup of water." And he left for the kitchen. I let my eyes followed him. He was definitely himself again, though he doesn't seem cheerful enough. I put my arms on the handle of the sofa and laid my head on it as my mind instantly drifted off.

* * *

I woke up to the dim evening light from the setting sun and felt my dizziness and headache subsided. I looked around and saw Hikaru's bag beside mine, both lying on another chair. I stood up quickly, wanting to look for him, but sat down again as the ground seemed to move. 

Just then, the front door opened and Hikaru came in. "You're awake?" He said, having caught sight of me. "I went out to get some food, you know I've no idea how to cook..." he said as he scratched his head. "You okay?" He asked, laying down the food on the table, then peering at me closely. Being quite surprised, I withdrawn myself and nodded.

"That's good, because if not, I'm supposed to call your dad..." He turned away and went for his bag, "Where were you the previous few days? I've been meaning to visit you."

"Hikaru, even if I'm not well, I... please don't call my dad..." I knew clearly why I didn't want my father to know, because bringing me to the doctor would not help at all.

"Why?" said Hikaru, turning quickly to face me.

"He'd eventually bring me to the doctor, but I would still remain how I am now, and I won't even know what's wrong with me!" I said, slightly raising my voice.

Hikaru looked at me for a moment, his expression serious, then he turned back to his bag. "Akari, there's another reason why I've come here... I just want to thank you, for helping me get out from my misery last time. You made a difference for me to find myself... and find Sai... I... It was nice after talking to you then. And now, I hope I can make a difference because... because you seemed to have lose your way... you seemed... troubled..." and turning to me, he continued, "You get what I meant?"

I stared in puzzlement at him for a while, then he asked, "You know why you're having these headaches, right? There must be tons of questions formed in you head since few weeks ago, but you've never dare asked anyone, isn't it so?"

I then knew what he was talking about—I knew the reasons to my headaches; I had questions about what happened weeks ago, questions I thought people would answer before me asking them.

"So, why don't you ask me right now?" he said as if reading my mind.

"Hikaru..." my mind was racing through the memories again, and something was actually forming from them—the bed in the hospital ward, who was I crying for... why can't I remember... "Who died? Just weeks ago, what happened...? Why can't I remember...?"

Hikaru, having crouched near his bag for a long time, finally sat down. "You can't remember?... Just weeks ago, someone very important in your life—can't you remember? Try recalling..."

It was a wonder why my head did not ache as much as it usually did as I searched my brain for the answer. Maybe it was Hikaru's presence that made the difference...

Images soon flashed through my mind, as if a show replaying itself. Somebody was lying on the bed in the hospital ward, somebody... a female... somebody important to me...

Somehow, the same feelings I felt in that memory was returning once more, the same feeling of loss; the same sadness. As I thought harder, tears began welling up in my eyes while the person's face became clearer. I had no idea why I was reacting like this, perhaps not until I realised who it was...

I remembered the smiles she wore; the hugs she gave me; the way she had encouraged me; the times I needed her and she was always around... But now, why isn't she around when I needed her most badly. Mum... where are you?

Hikaru had already stood up and was looking rather horrified at my teary face, "Akari...?" He sat down beside me and after a while, patted me on the shoulders and said, "You realised who it was, right? You must've been searching for her all this while..."

I couldn't control myself as tears flow irresistibly down my cheeks and I sobbed through my tears, "Why did she leave me? Where had she gone to?"

"Akari..." and Hikaru breathed in deeply, and smiling sadly, he spoke, "you know, we've got similarities in some ways... While I look for Sai, you now look for you mum..." he paused before going on, "Look, she died in a car accident and that's a fact. Life and death—it's something that nobody can run away from, it's something that's been happening for years, decades and centuries. But there's something you have to know... even if she'd passed away, she's always in our hearts, always... and that's where you'll find her… just as I found Sai within my Go..." and Hikaru gazed at his hands for a long time while I thought about what he said.

He suddenly spun around and said, "Remember what you told me? That I've lost my happy self? You lost your cheerfulness too... And remember what your mum said? 'Be bright and cheery forever', isn't that just your name? Isn't that what you used to be?"

Mum... The many things she told me while she was around had suddenly resurfaced in my mind, what I had promised her—to stay strong forever, isn't that just what I should be...?

I closed my weary eyes but the tears still flowed uncontrollably. Mum, are you watching over me from somewhere far above right now? Are you disappointed that I had broken my promise?... I won't be like this ever again... But for now, I just feel like crying; I want all my sadness to leave me... And I'm sure you'll support me...

I rested my head on Hikaru's shoulders and cried for a long time. It was warm, somehow, and that feeling reminded me of Mum. I felt two warm hands holding onto my shoulders—the same hands which held me during the day Mum left me—giving me strength.

Mum? Are you watching over me right now...? I'll be strong from now, I promised...

* * *

How was this chapter? Did it sound weird and nonsensical, or maybe even confusing? Hmm... This chapter had been the most tedious chapter I've experienced so far for fanfic. I do hope I would receive reviews from all who had spared the time to read this story. I'm currently working on the next chapter, and it should be up real soon. See you then! Till the next time 


	9. Holding onto Memories

Disclaimer: Hikaru no Go does not belong to me, not even the least... (sob) It must be noted that some scenes from this fic are taken from the series itself, but written out by me here... hmmm... so does it still belong to me?

* * *

This is the last chapter! Please do review. Honestly, I was quite sad about not having many reviews for the last chapter, but thanks to two of you who reviewed, I managed to continue my work on this fic. Anyway, I would like to thank all who of you who had ever reviewed, even if it was only once, to have encouraged and motivated me (because every single review meant a lot to me). All of you have been really great! Without you, I wouldn't be too sure if I could have completed this fic.

Well, so much with my 'speech'... This chapter would be the end of the story. Hope you enjoy and please do read my future fics, that is, of course, in the future. So, it's time for the story and see ya! (Jumps off after pushing the fic right into your face)

* * *

**My Heart Within**

IX. Holding onto Memories

* * *

Where light is around, brightness will be;

Where you are around, I will always be...

* * *

I gradually opened my eyes to the brightness of the day, only that it was not really the day... Everywhere was shimmering with blue and yellow lights—it was lovely. I looked around and though I could not see the end of this desolated area, I was not feeling scared, perhaps because there was the feeling of warmth that I knew and like...

I took a look at myself and was mildly surprised as I noticed myself wearing my casual home clothes and shoes which I had not worn for a long time. Somehow, I then knew that I was in a dream. Sometimes, I could tell if I was in a dream, so this must be one of the rare occasions that it had occurred. I smiled to myself, hoping that something good happens in the dream as the familiar feeling of warmth grew stronger.

Something caught my eye and I slowly turned towards it. It was a familiar figure... the one I had missed so much, the one that I love dearly. As her features became clearer, I felt myself having a heartwarming sensation.

"Mum!" I called and she glowed at me soon after seeing me.

There was a few seconds of silence in which I gazed at her, my mind suddenly filled with the many things I had wanted to tell her—the things which I had to tell her so that she would not be worried.

"Mum, did you know? I've been getting very good grades recently and my teacher said that if I continue doing so, I could get into a good senior high school! And Dad, he's been working really hard and had managed to get a promotion! He had also become more concerned about me now, and we had grown much closer! And Hikaru, who I'd thought to have lost touch with during the previous years, had actually become my close friend again!"

I breathed and said slowly, "Mum... so much had happened since you left... Where have you gone to...? I really missed you!" I took a few steps forward and held her hands. "Mum, are you happy now?" I asked anxiously and she smiled at me again, making me smile back unknowingly.

She suddenly turned to face her side, where there was a source of light. Her eyes were looking at somewhere far and distant. I was, for an instance, fearful—afraid that she would leave. "Mum...?" she turned back to me and smiled again, her eyes closing as she did so.

"Mum, are you going to leave?" I felt myself stepping forward to her as she slowly opened her arms as if to receive me for a hug. "Why haven't you talk a bit...?" and I felt myself fall into the arms of my mother's embrace. All this while when I was talking, she had remained silent and only beaming at me. "Mum, had your smile meant you had been happy...?"

I looked up at her as she continued to smile. I was looking at her closely, remembering her looks, the feelings of her and everything. "Mum, I really hope you have been happy, and will always do..." and I pulled her closer to me and hugged her, feeling the long lost feeling and savouring the warmth. Other than these, there was more to us holding together as I could almost feel her telling me, "Don't give up, my dear Akari..."

I did not know how much time passed, or notice the source of light growing brighter. Nevertheless, I subconsciously closed my eyes from the light that was becoming blinding. I could feel the weight of Mum growing lighter, fainter. As it did so, I held her even tighter, afraid of losing her, but knowing that all would soon be over...

* * *

I opened my eyes, this time no longer looking into a vast, bright area, but a small, dim room. I could hear the early birds just outside, singing their sweet melodies, but I paid no attention to them.

My mind was filled with the vivid dream. The feeling from the dream lingered in my heart and I felt myself already yearning for the warmth and love from Mum. My vision blurred and I felt hot tears rolling down the side of my face as I could distinctly feel the difference—the warmth and love that could never be replaced by just my warm blanket.

I put my arm on my face so that it covered my eyes. As I thought about the dream, I knew that it would be something that I will remember... forever...

I sat up after a few minutes and brushed away the tears. My eyes darted onto the spot on the table where I will look at every morning.

Many days ago, I would have seen it as just an empty spot for I denied myself of the sight of it; but now, I could see a family photo with three persons in it—Dad, Mum and me. It was the photo I love and treasure.

I pushed away my blanket, jumped down my bed, and walked briskly towards it.

I took the photo and cleaned the surface of the photo frame, then stared at it for a very long time.

Pulling back the curtains and holding the photo, I looked fixedly at the dim blue sky, remembering the times when all three of us had spent together, and reminiscing the times when Mum was still around...

* * *

After school, I decided to go to the Science Laboratory where we had our Go practices. Since the year threes no longer have to attend the Go practices so as to prepare themselves for the senior high school entrance examination, it would mean that I probably would not be going there as often as before.

I walked passed the staff room, suddenly remembering the letter I had written for Ms. Minamoto. I stopped immediately and took the letter out of my bag, then entered the staff room and placed it on her table.

That was a letter which I had written to express all my thanks to her. She, as a teacher, had been most caring about me while I was down. It might have been rather impolite if I do not thank her.

I exited the staff room and made my way to the Science Lab. As I reached the door of it, I could hear voices within and was taken aback when I pulled back the door and found all the Go club members present, including Mitani, who was most frequent in skipping practices.

All of them shouted warm welcomes to me and Kaneko said, "Come in and sit down, what're you standing there for?"

Being somewhat stunned, I regained myself and walked in, asking, "Why are all of you here?" as I had expected the Science Lab to be empty.

"No one has any idea why," Kumiko stated. "We just found all of us here without having agreed to meet beforehand."

"How interesting, isn't it?" Natsumi said eagerly. "Now we could even play a few matches before we officially leave the Go club!"

"Yeah, and that would be our present for little Koike before we leave—some training for him to become a better leader next time!" Kaneko exclaimed, and giving Mitani a look of disapproval, she added, "And you! Why did you come here if you're going to keep quiet all the while and give us that sulky look?"

"I didn't come here willingly, so don't ask me for a reason," and Mitani nodded at Natsumi, "he was the one who dragged me here." Mitani answered dully.

"I thought this might be the last time we're coming here." Natsumi quickly defended himself.

Koike suddenly sighed loudly, making everyone turned in his direction, "With all of you gone, I would be the only one left to this Go club... It'll have to close down..." he said sadly.

I beamed at him and said encouragingly, "That won't happen. The last time the Go club was started, it was by our senior Tsutsui, who did it all by himself. You will be able to do it too. It would be you who will own the Go club then."

"Really?" Koike said, quickly brightening up. "Can I really do that by myself? My own Go club?"

"Of course you can, you'll see when that day comes..."

We spent the next few hours playing Go and discussing about the Go club. It had been a long time since we had been together like this. I could tell everyone was enjoying it and that all of us would be missing the Go club when we leave, but it would not be a sad situation, for on recalling these happy times, each of us will then be smiling even before realising it.

* * *

After the Go gathering we had, I bade goodbye to all of the rest at our school's main gate and turned in the opposite direction. It was then did I noticed someone just few steps ahead, walking alone.

"Hikaru." I called, hoping that I was not disturbing him.

He turned around, frowning a bit and as he saw me, he grinned, "Hi, Akari."

"Am I interrupting your thoughts?" I asked in uncertainty and he shook his head, "Of course not."

He turned back and continued his walk as I caught up with him, noticing his expression becoming serious with a deep frown.

"Are you nervous about tomorrow's match against Touya Akira?" I asked, recalling what I had read in the Weekly Go magazine.

"Why do you say so?" Hikaru asked, not looking at me.

"...You looked rather scary..."

Hikaru laughed but said nothing. We walked for a few steps in silence before Hikaru suddenly asked, "Akari, are you free now?"

Surprised, I felt myself flushing a bit, "Huh? Oh yes... of course..."

"That's great!" Hikaru said truthfully, "can you come over to my house and play a few rounds of Go with me? Playing with you can make me feel less tense about tomorrow."

I stopped walking and thought about Hikaru in the past and comparing with him now... It was obvious he had become different... and I knew the exact reason for his change... It was Sai who changed him... greatly, and into a better person.

"Akari? What's wrong?" Hikaru had turned around when he realised that I had stopped walking.

Smiling, I said, "Hikaru, you've changed a lot... it feels like... you are much more matured now..."

He seemed indifferent about what I had just revealed to him, but said, "Then you must have changed too."

"Really?" I asked in anticipation, becoming interested to know how different I am from the past and running forward. "In what ways?"

"You've become shorter."

It was a moment before comprehension dawned on me and he grinned and dodged my fist as I shouted indignantly, "That's because you've grown taller!"

I chased after him for quite some distance, after which I finally stopped and sighed in resignation. Deep down, I was not in the least angry, in fact, I was happy.

"Hikaru...? ...thank you..." I said abruptly.

"Huh?" he stopped running and was looking confused.

"For helping me get up that time..." I said gently.

He smiled a bit and said, "You helped me first, remember?" Turning away, he continued, "Furthermore, I wouldn't have been able to help you if you hadn't helped me, or helped yourself... But then, does this really matters now?"

I knew then that he was right. Afterall, did it really matter as to who helped who? No, it only matters that both of us were well then...

"It's getting pretty late... we'd better go..." Hikaru stated and for a moment I was really astonished as he held the wrist of my hand and pulled me, so that I followed him and that both of us were soon jogging on home—together.

I breathed in deeply while I ran, smelling in the fragrance in the air. As I looked at the orange-blue sky in the hours of the setting sun, I could not help but feel contented about being with Hikaru on the same way home, and more importantly, I fulfilling the promise I made to Mum...

* * *

Is my life about happiness? Or is it just emptiness?

I couldn't tell a bit at all, for a long way lies ahead of me, and only walking on would I find out...

* * *

**The End**


End file.
